The Coconut Cake is a Lie!
by Maikki Vellamo
Summary: A two-part crossover between Portal and Lilo and Stitch. Please no flaming, only constructive criticism!    T for now, may change later!


A two-part crossover series with two of my all-time favorite things: Lilo and Stitch and PORTAL!

The dynamic duo start out like Atlas and P-Body from Co-Op Mode, and end up like Chell and Wheatley in Single-Player Mode...sort of. You'll see who the characters are. No need to elaborate on that.

I do not own Lilo and Stitch nor do I own PORTAL. NO COPYWRITE INFRINGEMENT INTENDED!

PART I : Co-Op Enrichment Center Galaxy Defense Industries

_"Galaxy Defense Industries, Where DNA stands for 'Do Not Ask'."_

J aded *bored*

U _m _brageous *irritable*

B rilliant *smart*

A rticulator *communicator*

...JUmBA. Yes. JUmBA.

Their vision fades from black and into colorful blurs. As their eyes focus, they look around to get a grip on their surroundings. One is in an orange-lit pod, the other in a blue one. Their jumpsuits coordinate with the colors in the light and tinted glass. The pods suddenly open up. Orange looks over at Blue, Blue at Orange. They look around for a moment longer, then look over to each other. Orange's eyes open wide in shock when he stares at Blue. Blue stares back in awe.

Orange hesitates, but he raises one hand and gives a choppy wave to Blue. Shyly, Blue waves back. They smile at each other, happy that they recognize each other still. Suddenly, the floor beneath them moves. Looking down, they notice the floor is not solid, but is a mechanized hatch, slowly opening beneath their feet. Orange looks around to see if there was a place to jump off, while Blue panics and tries to seek respite in the small edge around the hatch. Seeing the decent into the hole is inevitable, Orange looks over to blue, gives a cocky smile, and does a cannonball down the tube below. Thinking for a second, Blue mulls over her options. She then shrugs and does a jackknife down as well, only moments behind Orange. They both slide through twists and turns, squealing in joy as they make a quick desent to where ever they are destined. They land nearly simultaneously in clear glass pods in front of a blank screen.

They see each other, and wave excitedly. A blip over a loudspeaker system startles them and causes the two to jump and look around for the source. "Hello and Velcome *again* to Galaxy Defense Industries," a pleasant, auto-tuned Russian-accented voice says over the intercom. "Ve vill begin momentarily vith the testing, but first, some prelimenary cooperative examinations." On the screen, a three by three black and white grid with different animals appear. "You are equipped vith "ping" tool located on your wrist. Blue. Please to be using your "ping" tool to select favorite animal." The strange voice instructs.

Blue examines the board carefully. She tilts her head and scratches at the top of her head trying to figure out what it would be. She finally pings what looked to be a tropical fish. "Orange, please to be observing Blue's favorite animal."

After only a few seconds, the floor is taken from underneath them and they drop some more. They end up in yet another set of pods and in front of another white screen. This one blinks, and another black and white three by three grid appears. This one, however, has some of the elements and their symbols. Another blip startles Orange and Blue. "Orange, please to select your favorite element."

Orange looks at the table and immediately pings "Pb" for lead. Orange seems to drool a bit as he stares at the symbol. "Blue, observe Orange's element." Blue looks at Orange incredulously as he licks the glass containment pod. "You are now ready to begin cooperative testing."

Strange-looking, two-handed, white-plated blasters drop from the ceiling of the pods into their hands. The butt of the guns are labled in red, "Galaxy Defense Industries" with a circle with spikes in the center incorperated at the beginning of the name, and there are clawlike structures at the end of the gun, which glow with two different colors. Orange's glows blue and orange, Blue's are red and purple. They only have a moment before the floor drops and they slide down the tube as it twists and turns, the guns in hand. This time, they land on large metal plates that correspond with the colors of their jumpsuits, much like the pods they woke up in. They landed across from each other and they take a second to stare at each other before striding to each other and high fiving. Then, Blue and Orange bound off in the only way out of the bright white tiled room. An airlock door opens, revealing a massive white panelled room. Of the six main surfaces of the room, there are only five that have panels completely covering them. The wall behind them has only three panels on one wall, which is slowly being burned by a laser. There is a cubical with a glass wall and ceiling in the middle that reaches half the height of the room, which holds a metal turbine with a conical crystal in the middle. There are three rooms embedded in the room at the same height as the cubicle that are tiled in metal plates instead of white panelling. One of the metal rooms has a cube with a giant crystal sphere in the center of it, another has the same turbine as the glass-panel room, and the last one to the left of them has a door. However, that one has a wall of particle beams in front of it. Under the far left room, there is a generator on the wall that is producing a high-powered laser beam from it passing next to the cubicle, pointed at the only three white panels next to the entrance. On top of the cubicle there are two red buttons.

Orange, out of sheer curiosity, shoots one of the empty white tiles with the gun. On the wall, a blue glowing oval appears. He shoots just next to that one on a separate tile. A blue oval appears, and both seem to open up. Orange and Blue walk up cautiously. Blue looks through the orange one, Orange the blue one. They see each other through them. Thinking it was some kind of mirror, they reach out for the reflection. Their hands touch and they jump back in shock. They look at each other a minute in confusion, then Orange gets bold and jumps through the blue one, going through both portals and landing on the left side of the blue portal. "OOOH!" Orange purrs excitedly. He picks Blue up and throws her through the portal. She lands on the right side of the Orange portal screaming, but further away.

There is a blip over the intercom as Blue gets up, rubbing her rump from landing on it hard. "Are you done playing around?" drawls the auto-tuned Russian. "There is testing to be done! If you keep this up, I vill deduct fifty cooperation points from Orange."

Orange holds up the gun and mumbles in some strange language excitedly, looking around the room. He shoots a blue portal on the ceiling and an orange one lined up with that one on the floor. Counting down from three in his head, he then cannonballs through the orange portal in the floor and drops from the ceiling, going through the portals repeatedly. He cries out "YYYYEEEEEEHHAAAAAA!" as he falls through, eventually reaching terminal velocity.

The voice becomes irritated with Orange, growling," Fine, if you vant it that vay, Five HUNDRED points from Orange!" Orange places the lower portal in another place mid flight and lands on his feet, ears sunk and body slumped in discouragement. The computer voices humphs in satisfaction before it bleeps away.

Blue looks around. She immediately figures out what needs to be done. She gets Oranges attention by tapping his shoulder. Using the "ping" tool, she points out that the lasers need to be directed to the turbines somehow. Before she gets a good chance at showing how it should be done, Orange goes off on his own. He shoots one portal above the cubicle and the other directly below him. He lands on the roof of the box, and then shoots another orange one on the floor behind it and another on the ceiling there. He does the endless fall once more but this time, when he goes to change directions, he aims a portal at the metal wall with the entrance door. The wall where Orange shot shimmers blue for a moment but does not form a portal. Orange takes a serious fall and lands on his back out of shock that the portal did not work on the surface. He looks up to the metal ceiling of the room he was under and tries to shoot a portal. Nothing happens. Blue comes over and hits him over the head with a fist and puts her hands on her hips in disappointment. Orange looks at the clawlike end of the gun.

Once again, the voice blips on. "Ah, yes, just remembering! Do not to be looking in operational end of device! Do not to be submerging in liquids." Another blip indicates the voice was turned off again. Orange growls and finds the camera across the room in a corner. He throws the portal device at it. The voice comes back. "Five THOUSAND points from Orange." It pauses for a second and then says, "Orange, pick up Galaxy Defense Industries' Quantam Portal Making Device and continue testing."

Mumbling under his breath, he picks it back up. For a moment, he seems to let the voice not go to his head, but then, looks slyly at the device. Orange shoots a blue portal behind the camera where it is attached to the wall, then an orange one just under that. The camera falls, not able to keep to the wall because of the portal.

The voice comes back yet again. "Please to not be destroying Galaxy Defense Industries' testing equipment. Fifty thousand from Orange."

Orange groans and facepalms, then drags the gun back to stand by Blue. She has her arms crossed, waiting for Orange to calm down so she could tell him the gameplan. When he looks up, she uses her "ping" tool again, and he listens to her finally. His eyes widen with the prospect of what has to be done.

They break on three and immediately go to work. Orange uses the portals to get to the top of the cubicle again and Blue goes around. She makes a red portal on the floor lined up with Orange on the back edge of the cubicle, and a purple one in front of the metal room on that far back section of floor. Orange jumps through the red portal and comes out the purple one, landing in the other room. As he lands, Blue runs around to view the three lone panels on the entrance's wall being struck by the high power lazer. She places a new red portal where the laser is striking, and a new purple one right next to the red. The laser shoots out the purple portal and strikes the far wall inside the far metal room, nearly missing Orange. Quickly, Orange places the cube so the laser strikes the sphere on the inside, redirecting the beam to the turbine in the other metal room. with his portals, he replicates Blue's strategy to get back to the top of the cubical in the center of the room. Blue jumps through the portals to get on top with Orange, and they simultaneously press the button. An unstationary scaffolding begins to crawl back and forth between the back and front wall in front of the exit. It is close enough that the team can jump to it when the time is right. Carefully , they jump onto the moving heavy glass platform and Orange aims his blue portal for the other laser's striking panel. After lining up with the exit, Orange places the orange portal above the cubicle and the other laser goes through a grate at the top of the cubicle, striking the last turbine. There is a bleep, the scaffold stops in front of the exit, the particle beam wall disappears, and the door in that last room opens. They jump at the same time through the door, and it locks behind them.

The voice blips on. "Werrry *good*" says the voice. "Six-hundred Twenty Six Collaberation points, and coconut cake and grief counciling vill be vaiting on the last door of the path." The voice seems a bit bored, as if he did not get enjoyment out of the two succeeding so soon.

They walk to the instructed door excitedly awaiting the coconut cake. Blue sees a camera in the dim room they are in and taps Orange on the shoulder and points up to it. They smile devilishly at each other for a split second and then Blue giggles loudly to Orange,"ROCK-A-HULA, STITCH!"

"YEAAAAHHH!" Stitch screeches, taking Blue by the hand. "LILO!" He gives her a toothy grin and takes her by the hand, dancing with her like The King himself.

"So, you two CAN talk..."

The walls fall away, and a large purple and gray mechanism is hanging from the ceiling of the new chamber with a faceplate bearing four eyes in order from left to right: blue, yellow, pink and green. The eyes themselves seem to have their own personalities. The blue one seems to be looking at everything, gathering scarce information in the dimly-lit room, the yellow one looks at the team with a glare, the pink one seems irritated, and the green one appears to just be sitting there."S-Stitch!" Lilo cries out, clinging to him for dear life, staring at the monstrous computer in fear.

It narrows all four and leans forward from the ceiling toward the two. Stitch crouches and rips through the jumpsuit with his extra set of arms. He growls and spits, "JUmBA!" angrily. "SPABATA!"

"W-Who's Jumba?" Lilo gasps.

"Not who!" Stitch grumbles. "WHAT!"

The computer gets even closer and tilts the faceplate, eyes still narrowed. "It's me, little girl!" hisses the auto-tuned Russian voice. "JUmBA means to be standing for Jaded U_M_brageous Brilliant Articulator!"

Stitch growls again and swipes a claw at the plate. "Idiot Scientist!" He jeers spitefully.

"WHAAAAAT?" JUmBA screams, flailing the faceplate in a violent circle before getting in his face. "I! PREFER! TO BE CALLED!_ EVIL GENIUS!"_ As he yells, he squishes Stitch down to the floor on his back with the middle of the faceplate.

Stitch takes hold of it and does not let go when the cover is brought back up to look at Lilo. Stitch notices that the eyes are metal balls attached behind it. "Vaht are you doing? Stop! NO! NOOOOO!" The computer screeches, the auto-tuning reaching ear-splitting tones. Lilo drops her portal gun to cover her ears.

Using all of his strength, Stitch rips out the green one. Holding it up as it sparks, he grins evilly and says loudly, "Ih! KAN-JI-JI-BEH, ZIH ZIH! AHHH-HAHAHAHAAAA!" He throws the ball into an incinerator next to a wall on the far side of the circular room.

Suddenly, the dots on the surrounding walls go from acid green to fire-engine red. JUmBA starts to chuckle, and that chuckle soon turns into a full-out evil computerized laugh. "BWA-HA-HAH-AAAA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA! NOW, WE DO THINGS MY WAY!" He throws his broken faceplate in another violent circle and in turn throws Stitch off of the body. Stitch hits a dotted wall and disappears behind the panels.

"STIIIIIITCH!" Lilo cries.

Still laughing, he narrows his eyes in victory and leans toward the little Hawaiian girl clad in a blue Galaxy Defense Industries Test Subject Jumpsuit and equipped with a portal device and "Longfalling" boots. Lilo narrows her eyes as well and leans in toward the computer.

"Where did you put him!" Lilo demands.

"For me to knowing, you to NEVER finding out! Aah-ha-ha-haaaa!" The supercomputer pauses for a moment before sobering up and tilting his faceplate to one side a bit. A pit opens in front of Lilo. Below are spikey crusher plates all the way down to an incinerator. "Now, come quietly, and I will tear you apart." His voice became a smooth, sinister Russian burr.

She smiles a cocky grin to the face, before picking up the gun and jumping down the hole. Surprised by her quick action to commit suicide, he looks down. He sees her point to a space behind a crusher, and a white-splattered slanted area of the metal tube. The computer gasps. "No, no, NO! DON'T RUN!" But it is too late. Lilo is able to portal herself out of the deathtrap behind one of the crusher plates. She crawls through an escape hatch and into the ventilation system. Pausing for a moment, she ties up her hair into a ponytail so it does not get incinerated if she comes across any more flames. Lilo crawls on, thinking of all the places her orange-clad little blue companion could be.

"Well," she thinks to herself, " I could always hack the computer system. Stitch taught me how to do all that stuff when I was a kid, and BEFORE we got ourselves into this mess...Now where could the control panels be in this place?"

She crawls out of the ventilation system into an old, rusty, broken-down stairwell. Looking around, she sees all sorts of grafitti on the walls. "The Coconut Cake is a Lie!" is written in big, drippy letters in several spots in yellow and red dampened chalk. Underneath the biggest one a white round coconut cake with a candle is drawn with a red "X" through it.

As she stares at the painting, she says aloud in thought, "Well, this is gonna be harder than I thought." In her mind, she can see Stitch going bonkers seeing the pictures, then going around in a rage tearing anything and everything apart because he was lied to about his favorite treat. She shakes her head and rubs her forehead with her fore and middle fingers.

"_Flip you on the seaside, my one-eyed Glocnar-Dancing friend! _"


End file.
